Se7en

Why is it that every time I watch this film I always find that the most disturbing thing is that the credits roll backwards...

Kangaroo Court

A recent exchange with my client on the record, in open court.

Jack, Esq., Defender of Freedom delivers his first question:

"Sir, do you believe you suffer from a Mental Illness?"

Response: "Fuck you!"

Ok...I guess I'll take that as a 'no', but I'm sure the judge took it as a 'yes'. Sigh...Do I really need to call these people as witnesses to properly defend them? As you ponder that question here is a another exchange.

Jack: "Could you explain the delusions the doctor referred to?" (I didn't even want to ask that, but client wanted me to and it was going to come out on cross anyway.)

Client: "I know it sounds crazy, but CBS corp.* is really hacking my computer and bugging my house."

You're right it does sound crazy.

*Note to CBS's attorneys - CBS Corp. to my knowledge did not actually partake in any of this activity, this is being told for entertainment purposes only and could in fact have been another one of the major networks. I fully enjoy CBS and their wonderful programing.

PS please don't sue me.

Regards,

The Management

One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest

I recently started a new job and part of that job is representing people who have been civilly Committed. Basically someone goes off their meds and goes a bit "nuts" (yes, we use very technical terms) and they get put into a hospital where they refuse to take the meds and want to be released. Enter Jack, Esq., Defender of Freedom. (Yeah, it scares me too). So there they are being held in the loony bin (actually, it's the "Behavioral Health Center", because it's the behavior that's wrong with them, not that their off their fucking rocker) and it is up to me to tell their story. And boy can they tell a story (except for the ones that are catatonic and drooling (no they are not on meds, that's their normal state)).

This gets me to tell you about something I learned today reading the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition, for those of you not cool enough to be in the know). Apparently, there is a difference between a "nonbizarre delusion" and a "bizarre delusion", you would figure that all delusions would be bizarre but not true, not true! Nonbizarre delusions, are your boring, run-of-the-mill delusions, like the police have bugged my house, basically they could happen (and are more likely under this Administration). Your bizarre delusions are the really fun ones as the DSM gives an example "a person's belief that a stranger has removed his or her internal organs and has replaced them with someone else's organs without leaving any wounds or scars."

So basically what I'm saying is that I need to get a badge issued to me cause they could so lock me up with me protesting that "I'm an attorney! I'm not crazy!" and I would completely fit the bill of someone meant for a padded room.

Married with Children

No, not me, it hasn't been that long since I updated. I'm talking about other people and their children. Specifically, about how people assume that their lives are more important then yours because they have children. This does come from a good impulse to put your kid at the center of your world, but notice the key word in that sentence "your", as in not mine.

Some examples of this over the top behavior are the parents ignoring their children screaming at a restaurant with no concern for anyone else, or, my personal favorite, taking your 8 month old kid to the latest R rated movie at 11 at night. However, today I witnessed something completely over the top.

There I was in my car, "driving" (read: crawling, as in snail's pace) in a parking lot because there was a mother and her young child in directly in front of me. Now your thinking "that's not so bad, the mother was driving slowly to keep her kid safe, if only more people would drive like that." The problem was she WASN'T IN A CAR. That's right she was pushing her child IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LANE instead of off to the side so I could, you know, FUCKING GO AROUND HER!

Man, I fucking hate people...

I'm going to set up a direct deposit for Lucas

In an effort to continually take my money, Lucasfilm is releasing the Original theatrical version of the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. This means the original, un-fucked around with version and, of course, I have to have it. I own so many God damned copies of this thing already (from a quick count I believe it is 4, which will make this number 5). Just ridiculous, however the more ridiculous thing is that I will continue to buy it and they know it. There is also talk of releasing Star Wars again in the theaters IN 3D!!! (yeah you have to do the voice to get the proper effect).

So there you have it more of my money going straight into George's pocket, and I'll even say "thank you". (At least now I have a paycheck so I can buy shit like this).

Ed: Yeah it's been a while since I posted...Deal with it.

Jack, Esq.

'nough said

Hockey Update

After watching OLN's coverage I wrote this e-mail:

To Whom it May Concern:

I have say that I was skeptical when I heard that OLN was covering
hockey. However, being a fan I was hoping for the best. I sorry to say
I was very disappointed. When you got the contract did you bother
hiring people that had covered a hockey game before. The camera is too
zoomed in to get a sense of the whole game. As a result, the camera is
being jolted back and forth, thus making the game unwatchable and
myself nauseous.